While preparing for our 7th annual Valentine’s Luncheon for Widows last February, I was researching the etymology of the word “widow”. It’s depressing! It came from the 800’s Old English word “widewe” and basically means “be empty”. Wasn’t that a patriarchal period of history? A woman whose husband died was “empty” of social status and financial security. Googling the word “widow” conjures up images of woman in black frumpy dresses with veils, or, not that this is any better, skimpy black, seductive costumes-as in ” Black Widow”. No wonder so many woman hate the word “widow”! I read an article from a woman who went out to social media to get responses to the word “widow”. It’s just a word, but it evokes so many differing emotions. Personally, I always thought of “widow” as a testimony of my love for Jeff; that we loved each other until the end. We weren’t divorced. Death divorced us from each other. The word “divorce” has the Latin rood “divortium” which means “separation”. Although it seems a little less negative than “be empty”, still, a spouse is gone and neither is pleasant.

I think the negative connotation around the word comes from the fear our society has of death, grief, illness and all the things in life we can’t fix. I have been widowed. My husband died and whether I like it or not, that word will be used by others about me. It’s not so much hating the word-it’s hating that the experience happened to me. As my sweet friend Lisa pointed out, “It’s the club that no one wants to belong to.” I can’t change what happened. All I can change is my own perception. Words don’t have feelings, and yet we all associate feelings based on our own life experiences and what we think about them.

I was getting ready for my day a few weeks back when I got a message from my late husband’s cousin. I had two funerals ahead of me starting at 1:00; that would make the third funeral I attended in 2 weeks. My mind was racing, reflecting on the loss and pain of death, when I got the text. I was wearing my wireless AirPods. If you have them, you know, they announce who the message is from and read it in your ears. With my phone laying on the dresser, I hear “message from Lisa with two images, ‘He passed'”. I was afraid to look at my phone! Who died? Jeff’s Dad? Hesitantly I picked up my phone. The images were of Lisa’s son Nick, with congratulation balloons. He passed his nursing boards. I called her right up. “You couldn’t add the three words, ‘his nursing boards’? You scared me!” We are what we think.

An old Cherokee grandfather was teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil-he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is good-he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside of you-and inside every other person too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”

We are what we think. I think it’s time to feed some positivity into this title-the negative connotation of the word “widow” needs to change! Those I know in my club are some of the STRONGEST, MOST RESILIENT, BROKEN & REBUILT, STRUGGLING & GROWING, LOVING, GENEROUS, KIND and COMPASSIONATE people around.

I like my definition better:

Women Independent Determined Overcoming & Whole. I’ll go with that.

Though sometimes feeling alone on this journey, many have gone before us…and many will follow.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23

Trusting God with my journey…Deb