November 10, 2011, Jeff died of a brain stem injury suffered in
a one vehicle car accident. Barely a month later, our then 10-
year-old daughter Jessica sang “For Good” from the musical
“Wicked” at the Fairport Christmas Tree Lighting. Jessica had
started voice lessons at Spotlight Theater 2 days before Jeff’s
accident. She sang it for her dad.

“It well may be that we will never meet again in this
lifetime, so let me say before we part so much of me is
made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a
hand print on my heart…”

Whoa. Over the years, I heard “For Good” on the radio, over a
PA system in a store, I even saw the Broadway play “Wicked” at
the RBTL. Each time a small lump, a single tear, a held breath,
and the vision of my little bereaved girl flit by my mind’s
eye…but I was totally unprepared for the monsoon February
25, 2023.
Madison, the 6-year-old child of Spotlight Theater owners, John
and Kait Barthelmes, died after a 322-day treatment for
leukemia on Valentine’s Day, 2023. Over Jessica’s elementary
and middle school years, she took dance, voice and acting
classes at their school. John himself had been a fatherless child
at age 10. He generously poured “fatherly love” all over
Jessica’s many creative learning activities.

Madison was a kindergartener when she was hospitalized at
the Golisano’s Children Hospital with an undetermined illness;
that is, until the diagnosis of AML Leukemia.
A sick child breaks the hearts of everyone. Sweet Madison
always gave 2 thumbs up and an “I’m good!” throughout her
year long illness. Surely, Madison would beat this…but here we
were, after 322 straight days of hospitalization, celebrating her
short life with teal and black clothing, and a balloon garden of
butterflies and flowers. The theater community are tight knit
folk. Shuttle buses brought loads of families touched by a small-
town performing arts center and its deeply loved founders.
Amidst the words from family and doctors and caregivers, there
were performers—musicians and singers—singing all of
Maddie’s favorite songs; one of which was from Wicked… “For
Good”.

“Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for
The better
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good”

I had no control. I just started weeping. Jessica, sitting next to
me, whispered in my ear, “I know. Every time you hear that
song…” She let me lean on her shoulder, as she wrapped an
arm around me, and I wept through the whole song.

I soothed so many wrecked funeral attendees at my husband’s
funeral. I really didn’t want to lose it. I had told myself I would
never do that to someone else…but grief bursts don’t obey!
They are sneaky.

Honestly, I really didn’t mind it, sobbing uncontrollably. It had
been a long time since I had a good cry; it made me feel close
to Jeff.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler said “The reality is that
you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved
one; You will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will
rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be
whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be
the same nor would you want to.”

I love this quote by Jameson Arasi, fitting for grief bursts:
“When we grieve out loud—unpolished, unplanned,
unashamed—it isn’t weakness. It’s love, speaking the only
language it has left. It’s our heart saying: “They mattered. They
still matter. And I will not let the world forget.’”