I have run bereavement programs for the past 4 years. Two of them are through an organization called “Faith & Grief” and one of them, Out of the Ashes, I wrote/compiled through my training as a Grief Educator with David Kessler’s Certification program. I teach that one with a therapist at a counseling center.

Within Faith & Grief’s 8 session Workshop, we review a story from the Old Testament book of “Ruth”. Naomi was married, with two adult sons that were both married, when she was widowed. After a time, both of her sons died, leaving their young widows alone with Naomi. While one daughter-in-law went home to her family of origin, Ruth stayed with Naomi and traveled back to Naomi’s home town of Bethlehem.

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. –Ruth 1:16

Upon entering Bethlehem, the people didn’t recognize her. Could this be Naomi? Naomi said:

“Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. –Ruth 1:20

I share this reflection on MY life, with every grief group. I relate to Naomi (or rather, “Mara”) because I can see proof in old photos of the change in ME. I can tell if Jeff is alive or dead by looking at my eyes. My eyes look sad if the picture is more recent than November 2011…

My reflection?

The truth is, there are always two deaths when someone we love dies…our loved one, and the person we used to be BEFORE their death. Those around us want nothing more than the people we used to be—but the hard truth is we will never be those people ever again. We are forever changed by the death of those we love.

And another truth that feels so unreal—that we are rising out of the ashes of that prior life with the potential of a new life, a different life; marred—yes, broken—yes, but put together by something stronger and truer…a fusion. For we carry forward all the “befores” into our next life. I am who I am because I loved Jeff, and I lost Jeff, and I’ve found Jeff in who I am becoming.

Photos: May 2012; May 2026